Truth is...

I see myself still vulnerable... fragile in terms of irreconcilable breakage.
To be in this position is an emotional suicide attempt. When I choose to feel the pain, once again I die.

I am alone. Friends are there, they never leave my side. But when it comes to my lonely hours of complete desolation I find the world so empty. Again, I am alone… to see everyone happy, to be in the arms of that one person who knocked them off their feet… but to see that I could be happy without it? Who am I joking? TRUTH IS, I CAN’T…

I love being loved! I always imagine having the perfect partner, someone who will take care of me and I the same to him. Someone who will always put that glowing smile upon my face and inspire and support me to do the things I’ve always wanted. But fantasy is fantasy. And if it happens, or if it’ll ever happen, only God knows when…

I see myself trapped. If I was a visual art, I picture myself behind a camouflage, zipping the real me inside… hiding behind that perfect smile and pretentious body of happiness and contentment.

I am afraid. I am horrified. I am troubled that if I put myself out there, exposing the weakness behind the tough façade I carry, I just might finally face the end.

I am hoping. Still the same person who dreams of being comforted by loving arms, locked around my small fragile body, tight enough to make me feel secured, but lose enough to tell me that I am still free.

When things are looking down, bringing back the hurt and pain that time has caused, when God listens and still is not content of the ordeals he has set… When all I’ve ever wanted was to be and to feel loved… When I was forsaken for giving too much and feeling to much… When I was ignored and pushed away… Should I be blamed from running away? Should I be burnt to the stakes for being afraid? Should I be accused of crimes I never intended to do?

the smell of butter and coconuts (aka Hawaiian tropics sunblock) always bring me back to the paradise i visited for my birthday last may 4th to the 7th.

it was the best birthday weekend ever!

different surprises came along that spiced up our stay at boracay. and not only did we have fun but amazingly, we learned a lot of things along our footsteps on its shores.

if you would notice the chain of events... you would see how six very different people, from different walks of life, came together and somehow create this spectacular trip ever imagined.

this trip was definitely a proof of God's existence and His amazing power to people who believe, who trust, and who love him and the beauty of everything that exists around us.

summer was still at hand when a certain feeling got into my system...

"there's something about this summer", i would always say at the back of my head.
a feeling that creeps inside me, telling me that whether things would turn out positive or negative, it will be a good one, a great one i should say!

certain events have been pretty much fucked up and i was worried that these would ruin the summer i had hoped to have. and yes, a certain person who i thought would share this season with me, where we planned certain activities suddenly disappeared, what the? right?!

so, once again, i was back to this state of being upset but it definitely did not hinder me from doing the things i wanted to do.

i did felt paralyzed for a while... but damn it! enough drama!

certain problems occured for the whole planning of this trip. number one problem - transportation. first, i came up with the cheapest flights to boracay, and that was cebu pacific. next was MBRS shipping lines. but i guess, we waren't really meant to take those pretty boring rides now are we? ahahahaha

we ended up taking the RORO, yes, the ever warrior type roll-on, roll-off.

so finally, after weeks of trying to keep my composure with the business that went along with the planning, may 3 finally came and it was time to leave manila.

bus ride from manila to batangas port
boat ride from batangas to mindoro
bus ride from the northern end of mindoro to the southern end
boat ride from the southern end of mindoro to caticlan
pump boat from caticlan to the port of boracay

after a treacherous travel, we finally reached Eden.

perplexed, astonished, over-whelmed, these are only a few of the emotions i felt. i felt really thankful that on my special day, i was at this pristine island i have only dreamt of reaching.

dindi, mark, tin, aesa and eric - people who definitely deserved this trip in one way or another.

we planned of joining the magic 89.9 amazing race but we waren't able to. but then again, we were in for our own amazing race.

day one, may 04, 2007
the beach was breath-taking with its clear crystal waters and the sun shinning so beautifully above, it was time for a relaxing swim!
we rested for a little while and went back to the beach in time to see the ever famous sunset and damn, do i now know why it is famous, ahahahaha
we hit station 1 as soon as the sun hid under the waters and it was time to party, of course! it was my birthday!
cocomangas, we had dinner, and some cocktails to get the night started, ehehehe
and now the real fun was about to begin
pier one, cuervonation event
take note: we entered without paying any fee, ahahaha =p
dancing like there was no tomorrow, fire dancers graced at the stage, amazing bands with the beat of the sun and the most mysterious rain fall... the holy waters of God blessing us, telling us that were in for a big surprise. it was short, like only for a minute, so i saw that as a blessed night from God.
as the night matured, so did the party and the events that transpired.
weirdly enough i had "the talk" with "the guy" and i spent the rest of the night with his ex girlfriend who was trying to get me drunk for me to spill the dish on what happened to me and his "boyfriend" (i guess they just got back together, ahahah). but the good thing about it is that it ended up that me and "her" came to be "friends", having one on one drinks, getting more and more wasted, bonding till the morning, swimming at the waters of boracay together with her other girl friend till 6am. definitely a girls' night out!
i can see that they still both love and care for each other, and right then and there i knew where my place is, that i will forever be just "the friend". but nonetheless, i felt happy, no hard feelings about anything. i was satisfied that the questions that have been bothering me the past months have been answered, and i was thankful, and definitely at peace. then i told myself, "I can finally move on" (as in move on na tlaga! ahahahaha)

day two, may 05, 2007
island hopping, caving, trekking, snorkeling - super fun, adventurous activity for the day.
but what we didn't know, is there was more in store for us. yaikes!
palau, magi89.9 event, a robbery took place. and my very good friend tin saw it all happen.
it started when she warned us about this creepy looking native who was looking suspicious at us and so she dragged us away at the dance floor.
the turn of events was so fast, after a few moves on the dance floor, she stopped, all freaked out, and told us what she saw. she approached the victim and told her what had happened. and to our surprise, 8000 dollars, 30 thousand pesos and all important cards were inside here loius vuitton wallet (kaya pla mahal ung wallet na un, ang dami mong pwede ilagay, ahahaha).
again, things happened very quickly, bigla nalng we were running at the beach, looking for the man with police escorts, what a scene huh?

day three, may 06, 2007
dindi and mark went back to manila
we went to the police station to check up on the robbery, they finally caught the man! sobrang galing coz accidentally he was photoed by one of the daughters of the victim and someone from the police station knew who he was. it was amazing to see how God used us and most especially tin as an instrument to catch a very dangerous man.
ate at d talipapa.
it was our last day for any other worthwhile activities to try,,,
i had my sun bathing, and we went for the banana boat and flyfish where we got beaten up badly! ahahahah! definitely an extreme sport to be tried out by everyone!
went around d mall though our bodies ached and chilled at the hey jude event.

day four, may 07, 2007
our last day.
went swimming sa beach. shopped around, took pictures.
packed.
had a quick lunch.

then, the farewell to the paradise we all loved.

philosophically speaking, God gave me the most priced gift i had ever received.

i could never put into more words what effect this trip had on me, but every time i would reminisce i always have this content feeling inside of me.

this trip definitely changed my prerogative, how i viewed it.

it saved my life...

The crown I see in front of me twinkles as light touches its pretty diamonds. It shines as the daylight illuminates its way but frowns as the dimness of the night starts to fall.

Is it just me or am I being too sensitive?

Why can’t I be content with what I have?

I told myself that if I win this, I would be happy, that I would have something much more than loneliness.

I have everything.

But why do I still feel empty?

I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends; people who I know can cheer me up, and maybe understand.

I know I cannot own them, I cannot demand.

All I want is attention and affection, that’s all.

People, who try to give me that, can’t even climb up the wall I’ve put around myself.

And those people who I chose to open myself to, they are preoccupied with their lives. And I cannot blame them.

I do not own them.

My family, why can’t I give them the chance? Will they listen? Will they understand?

All I need are ears to hear me out and minds to be open with what I have to say. I don’t need words, I don’t need talking.

And if faith can hold me up, and if it is all I’ve got, then God spare me this burden, for only you and I know how much I can bare and how long I can keep holding on.

I have everything and still I can’t be happy. WHY?

A friend had told me that I rely so much on emotions. That I am weak.

I am who I am because God created me this way. I never saw it as an affliction but rather a gift because I have the power to feel, to be compassionate, to be sensitive and kindhearted.

Is it wrong? Am I to blame?

This cruel world judges me to be vulnerable and defenseless.

I am naïve.

I want to see the snow fall and feel the coldness of winter. For then I can become numb, see the purity and kindness left in my world.

Why do I reveal myself in such ways?

For at least, when I die, all will know what kind of life I have lived.

That behind the stars that shine on me, the things I have come to accomplished, every laughter I expel, death just swallows me up inside.

Yes, you may laugh. You may say how pathetic I am.

Yes, I may be perfect. I may have everything I wanted.

But still I’m not happy, still I cry at night.

"The Prayer"
-Bloc Party

Lord give me grace and dancing feet
And the power to impress
Lord give me grace and dancing feet
Let me outshine the moon

Is it so wrong to crave recognition?
Second best, runner-up
Is it so wrong to want rewarding?
To want more than is given to you?
Than is given to you

Tonight make me unstoppable
And I will charm,
I will slice
I will dazzle them with my wit

Tonight make me unstoppable
And I will charm,
I will slice
I will dazzle,
I will outshine them all

Standing on the packed dance floor
Our bodies thrown in time
Silent on the weekdays
Tonight I claim what's mine

Thank you God! i finally have something i can dfinitely be proud of...

YEY!!! =p